F**K IT!

In the last couple of years I read a bunch of spiritual books. Some I’d start reading and close them after the first 20 pages, and some I’d read in one day. Some authors are neat for me to read, some exaust me in the beginning so I nicely say my goodbye till’ some maybe future hello. When you multiply and devide everything, all spiritual books have the same point.
What you put out, you get back, it’s all in the head, meditate, afirmate, visualize… one author even reccomends waking up at 5 in the morning, emidiately workout or run.
That’s all great… makes sense. I tried everything except this early wake up call and running… maybe in some other life. Basically all of this works… really works, I swear…
When as soon as I wake up in the morning I put myself on the right frequency of happiness or at least of good mood, my day really is brilliant. Kids aren’t all over me, get all A’s, husband sings around the house, lunch I love is waiting for me on the kitchen table, birds are flapping their little wings… you get it…

BUT what happens when you wake up annoyed and don’t even know what for??? When you’re crazy and don’t know why.

Yesterday that morbid morning happened to me. I’m laying in bed and talking to myself. Do I wake up or just cover my head with a blanket and pretend I’m dead? Aha… but I need to put food in Josip’s bag for school. I need to clean the house because I say two crumpets on the floor. I need to iron my blouse because I have some boring meeting in the agency… and that’s how my thoughts fly…
Somehow I crawl out of bed like a worm, get to the kitchen, make black coffee so strong that the spoon is just standing up because that’s how my Bosnian grandma taught me. I take my digital heat-meter and think: „must be my blood presure, let’s see”. I see the digital numbers so low, but that’s my normal being, so it’s not that producing hopelessness in my head. I’m coming in the room to wake up my 9 year old and faking a high pitched cute voice, because the kid doesn’t need to know that his mom is a little crazy today. I kiss him, get him to school, wave cheerfully from the window. I stay alone and think what kind of day is coming my way if I’m like this? Then I remember the book “Fuck it” – John C. Parkin.

Remembering how much I laughed while reading it, I cried of laughter. Tears were dripping on to my blanket under my glasses. I remember that even my husband asked if I’m alright. That kind of lifter from a book you should carry with you like The Bible. I open my laptop and search on Google something more to remind me of the philosophy. And I find it and remember everything.

I remember I used it when Hana was going through a phase… and it worked…
I used it even when I had no money, after half an hour called the apartment seller saying he’s giving me a raise. I remember I used it before summer when I realised my celulite from a year ago is more visible than last summer. And surely I used it when my mom came to tell me my bath is full of scale and explained to me the easiest way to clean it while showering…
It worked in every one of the mentioned exmples. Immaculately!!!
„If you say fuck it, you free your automatic worry for something. When you say fuck it you let yourself float the flow of life, stopping doing what you do not want, you stop listening to others and start listening to yourself.
To say fuck it points a spiritual rank, because you pull your hands up away from the problem, you get back in the natural flow of life.
If you say fuck it, you stop worrying generally.
Say fuck it to something, anything. Feel the freedom and ease which comes from that rank”.
That’s how I went through the day yesterday.
In the morning our boarder called me to tell me that he won’t move in after all…I thought…fuck it…
Buyers who were supposed to buy an apartment I was selling, said they need more time…well of course…fuck it…
Like a cherry on top, in the evening Hana told me she wants to transfer from a gymnasium to an art school…instead of freaking out…I told myself…fuck it…I just hope you’re happy… In the end the day turned out comepletely ok…with the fuck it spiritual philosophy…
When I came in the library and came up to the librarian scared to tell him which book I wanted, tried to whisper, so people don’t hear…
He just casually and loudly exclaimed: „Well say it like that lady! I think on the shelf I have one more FUCK IT!!!”
No one in the library did not even blink…
Obviously they already read that book and they just do not give a shit…

Tatijana Livajić


Summer 2018. The best Summer, time to remember. Football euforia, many emotions, Italy with family and in the end – NEW YORK! Here you won’t read much about sightseeing, even birds on a branch know what you should visit i NY. New York to me aren’t the Statue of Liberty, Empire State Building etc… Sights are just one little ornament, something like a fashion accessory of this city. As a kid I imagined about travelling the world and my thoughts always went back to New York. It was my dream. Then life takes you in a different direction, you have a job, kids are still kids, so you tell yourself that there are far more important things than accomplishing your silly goals. I remember that day distinctly. I was sitting in my agency typing some contract. All of a sudden it was like lightning hit me directly in the head. I left everything I was doing and searched on Google: „New York trip”. Afterwards: „getting a visa for America”. Little, by little, I was holding two airplane tickets and two passports with a Visa worth 10 years.

Hana and I travelled when she was only in first grade of elementry school, then when in fifth grade and now when she’s starting High School. Our hangouts when we’re completely alone are a great way for us to bond, even though I know very soon she’ll soon much rather do that with her friends, so I maybe caught the last train. We reserved a hotel for 7 days and began. Time difference Croatia – New York is 6 hours. We got there at around two in the afternoon, Eastern Standard Time. We were brutally tired, because at home it was already sleeping time. Somewhere I read that the easiest way to survive that time difference is to on the first day just suck it up and not go to bed, imediately adjust to the new clock. That’s what we did. We got comfortable in our hotel room and headed to Times Square. I was so euphoric, exited, full of expectation, and then BOOM!!! UTTER DISSAPOINTMENT! Still I don’t know what it was about, restlessness, but for a moment I wanted to return home. We were just standing there, a million people around us blocking any oxygen, fast walking and bumping at us. That much polution and dificulty to breathe I’ve never felt so intensely. My skin was sticky. Abnoxious loudness from every angle was overoccuping my senses. Hana also had some kind of blue facial expression, a little less obvious than mine. We started looking for a place where we can get our NEW YORK PASS which I bought online. We were completely lost, to say it lightly, because compared to Europe, here I couldn’t walk with navigation on my phone. Finally we found what we were looking for with the help of a policeman. We decided that we’ve had enough and got back to our hotel. When we woke up rested in a climatized room, full of energy we made a plan. Everything leading up was brilliant.

Every morning we woke up around 7 AM, got ready and while it wasn’t too hot headed to Starbucks. I think we tried all the newest drinks in stock. I love that shop and personalized coffee with my name on it, Tatijana. Before every outside exploration I screenshoted every way we need to go and subway lines. If we were to change our plan, we’d stop in front of some coffee shop or store just to catch WIFI. That huge dissapointment from Yesterday turned into pure happiness. Tanja, you’re in New York!!! That sentence kept screaming at me interally. Enjoj every second!!! And really, I enjojed.

Hana and I saw and experienced a lot, but many things still remain undescovered by us. A week is not enough for that place. I would describe New York like a big, living monster like creature with a heart and a hundred layers of soul. It just overindulges you, gets under your skin and casts a spell on you with the crazy energy of itself.

We found a homeless man who was sitting on the ground with a sign in his grasp which said: „Family killed by aliens”.

In a crowd of passing faces, some nice lady told me she likes my pants.

At Central park we were laying on the soft grass, listened to instruments played near, rode bikes and got lost three times.

At 11 PM I went to Burger King to get us dinner, no one found my attire even remotely unusual.

I drank a Cosmopolitan in a Steve and Aiden’s bar from Sex And The City, at noon.

Was in some fancy rooftop bar, the waiter spoke our dalmatian language.

In Gap I asked the worker how much a shirt cost and got a response telling me she doesn’t speak English…WTF??

Hana wore a large snake around her neck.

So many weird and mixed emotions.

When I told my friend I am going to New York she asked me what am I going to do after, that everything will be boring after this. Now I see the logic behind those words.

I completely fell in love with that beautiful, living creature with a heart and a hundred layers of soul.

Tatijana Livajic